The 100 funniest lines from The Office:
No science to this list, just ranking the 100 funniest top lines from each episode.
#100:
Toby: Smile if you love men's prostates
Watch it
S9e7 - The Whale
#99:
Andy: I'm so ready to love all of these animals. This one's even bonding with me already.
Vet: Uh, no. Kenny's a therapy dog. He apparently thinks you're in some kind of emotional crisis.
Andy: Stupid dog.
S8e22 - Fundraiser
#98:
Dwight: What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a news… thing.
S9e19 - Stairmageddon
#97:
Ryan: I'd like to make a toast. To the troops... all the troops... both sides.
S8e4 - Garden Party
#96:
Creed: Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples, a butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question. Why are you here?
Watch it
S7e14 - The Seminar
#95:
Dwight: We'll start our own paper company: The Shrute, Bernard, Lapin-Vance... Stanley Paper Company.
S5e26 - Casual Friday
#94:
S8e9 - Mrs. California
#93:
Pam: Wait, come on. I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.
Andy: Oh really, from what? Two to four?
Pam: Yup.
S6e12 - Scott's Tots
#92:
Darryl: Whoa, that person has really gotten him or herself into a predicament.
Watch it
S9e3 - Andy's Ancestry
#91:
Dwight: What's the argument here? NBA/WNBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all.
S7e23 - The Inner Circle
#90:
Kevin: I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep making planes until one of them flies. Like Wilbur and Orville Redenbacher.
S9e20 - Paper Airplane
#89:
Erin: Hey Dwight, you have some guests. I think they're from the forest where we harvest our paper.
S9e18 - Promos
#88:
Deangelo: I want to... I want-... I feel truly blessed, to be working with all of you. You know, before this all started, uh, funny story, I was in the bathroom vomiting and vomiting.
Watch it
S7e21 - Michael's Last Dundies
#87:
Darryl: What flavor was that?
Hide: Coconut penis.
Darryl: The coconut's pretty subtle.
S8e24 - Free Family Portrait Studio
#86:
Erin: For Channel 11 News..........................................I'm Erin Hannan
S9e2 - Roy's Wedding
#85:
Kelly: I would just like to say something off of what Darryl said about the level playing field. That is actually a zoning issue.
S7e1 - Nepotism
#84:
Michael: Ah, your emminance
S6e11 - Shareholder Meeting
#83:
Dwight and Andy: *playing music*
#82:
Andy: Brought you guys some coffees. Stanley, I know you have adult onset diabetes, so I put Splenda in yours.
S5e16 - Lecture Circuit: Part 1
#81:
Kevin: Didn't you two used to do it?
Gabe: We absolutely did. Thank you for remembering that.
S9e16 - Moving On
#80:
Michael: How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?
S6e1 - Gossip
#79:
Dwight: Hello, my name is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this, you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah, to be in your shoes. What's next? You're probably wondering. Don't be scared of your night in heaven...
S6e4 - Niagara: Part 1
#78:
Jim: You can't yell "I need this; I need this" as you pin down an employee on your lap.
S6e13 - Secret Santa
#77:
Dwight: David, listen to me carefully. I'm gonna need you to let the mailman go, okay?
David: Dwight?
Dwight: Walk out of the house with your hands on top of your head; everything is going to be fine. Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands while you're away in prison.
Watch it
S9e6 - The Boat
#76:
Trevor: Is it safe to talk?
Dwight: Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past 9 years, but I don't see them so I think we're good.
S9e8 - The Target
#75:
Erin: I still like you, but you were gone a really long time. And, you didn't really email me all that much. You retweeted me, a lot to be fair. But I don't love you.
S9e15 - Couples Discount
#74:
Michael: You look, how you say, radiant tonight. And it is, how you say, a beautiful night.
S5e8 - Business Trip
#73:
Jim: What kind of car does she drive?
Michael: A green Camry.
Jim: $#!&
S6e7 - The Lover
#72:
Dwight: And it was a terrible war. So many died. Far too many died. But if Frodo hadn't destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died.
S5e13 - Prince Family Paper
#71:
Michael: Ok everybody, listen up. I have some bad news. Due to circumstances beyond my control--
Dwight: Impulsivity and inattention to detail.
Watch it
S6e15 - Sabre
#70:
Erin: Lower... lower...
Andy: Are you sure?
S6e20 - New Leads
#69:
Dwight: In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas.
Watch it
S7e12 - Classy Christmas: Part 2
#68:
Pam: Hey, Hank?
Hank: Yes, ma'am.
Pam: I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician?
Hank: Yes, ma'am. I got my eyes open.
Jim: Oh, turns out he actually made it up there.
Hank: What? That ain't right.
Pam: Yeah, he came and went.
Hank: Wait a minute! You said it was a magician, right? You don't think he could have used... it couldn't have been ma...
S8e20 - Welcome Party
#67:
Andy: Did you call all of my clients at the mall and cancel all my business while using the "F" word?
S7e2 - Counseling
#66:
Andy: Whoa, traffic jam!
Erin: Uh-oh, traffic jam on Route 3.
Andy: Beep beep!
Erin: Beep! Twenty people dead in a pileup!
Watch it
S6e16 - Manager and Salesman
#65:
Dwight: After it bit you, did it run away fearful, or did it walk away smug, self-assured?
Jim: So smug. Like he thought it was funny, like this.
Dwight: That's a bedbug; everything's a joke.
Watch it
S8e16 - After Hours
#64:
#63:
Dwight: Uh-Oh. Okay, okay, nobody panic. Listen Up, listen up. Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We've got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.
Watch it
S7e9 - WUPHF.com
#62:
Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.
Watch it
S1e3 - Health Care
#61:
Michael: Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there.
S2e16 - Valentine's Day
#60:
Karen: Rachel, your house is beautiful.
Rachel: Thank you.
Dwight: What's the square footage?
David: About 5,000.
Dwight: Does that include the garage?
Michael: Dwight...
Jim: Wow.
Michael: That's not appropriate.
David: I don't know.
Dwight: It's a common question.
Michael: David, how much did this house cost?
S3e17 - Cocktails
#59:
Dwight: When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is "Something Weird is Going On". Colon: What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott. With Dwight Schrute.
Watch it
S3e7 - Branch Closing
#58:
Dwight: Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. The safety is... on.
Watch it
S4e7 - Survivor Man
#57:
Robert: Describe your day so far.
Erin: Well, I woke up, and--
Robert: Erin, when you recount your day, never say you woke up. That's a waste of your time. That's how every day has begun for everyone since the dawn of man.
Erin: Very smart. Very smart. ...Suddenly, I was awake.
Watch it
S8e1 - The List
#56:
Erin: You need to drop it, okay? They hate it. I like it a lot, but they hate it, so DROP IT!
S8e3 - Lotto
#55:
Dwight: Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, because I kicked in all the stalls.
S2e19 - Michael's Birthday
#54:
Michael: Well, you know what? I didn't want to hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can't stop picturing it. He leaves work; he's on his way home. WHAM! His cappa is de-tated from his head.
Watch it
S3e4 - Grief Counseling
#53:
Andy: I'm a little concerned about some of these directions to Schrute farms.
Dwight: Yeah, do tell.
Andy: I mean, like, "156 paces from the light red mailbox, make a left... "Walk until you hear the beehive."
S5e10 - The Surplus
#52:
S7e15 - The Search
#51:
Harry: Who the hell are Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute?
Erin: Jim, Dwight, what are your last names?
S8e23 - Turf War
#50:
Angela: D, it’s gonna be perfect. The only people that need to be there are you and me.
Dwight: Oh, and the old man to feed us the cheese that he’s been fermenting since the day of my birth. You keep forgetting about him.
Angela: I don’t…I don’t know why.
S9e23 - Finale
#49:
Jim: Okay, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you.
Dwight: That is correct, unless there happen to be measles present.
Watch it
S6e10 - Murder
#48:
S8e13 - Jury Duty
#47:
Pam: Would any of you be saying any of this if the cupcakes were from Supermart?
Angela: Do they even have a bakery anymore?
Kevin: They do - it's awful. And it's getting worse every day.
S9e17 - The Farm
#46:
Dwight: "R" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not "mukduk."
Watch it
S6e6 - Mafia
#45:
Pam: I have terrible news. Someone defaced my mural. They painted all over it.
Erin: I thought that's what you were doing.
Pam: Yeah, but this is different.
Erin: Oh. They used worse paint than your paint?
Pam: I don't think so, but they put paint where I didn't want paint. So...
Erin: I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing.
Pam: Different-colored paint. I wanted different-colored paint in the spots where they put their paint. So, it just is... okay, the point is, these warehouse guys are vandals. And, they need to be stopped.
S9e14 - Vanladism
#44:
Dwight: It's either an insense dispencer or a ceremonial sarcophagus.
S5e21 - Two Weeks
#43:
Dwight: How would I describe myself? Three words. Hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer. Merciless, insatiable.
S3e13 - The Return
#42:
Michael: No. No. Nooooooooooo.
Watch it
S5e9 - Frame Toby
#41:
Michael: I tried hopping, Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall, and now my elbow has a protruberance.
Watch it
S2e12 - The Injury
#40:
Dwight: No tats. No, no tats, of course I want-
Jim: Stop. That's disgusting.
S3e14 - Ben Franklin
#39:
Dwight: Fa la la la la la la ka-ching.
S5e11 - Moroccan Christmas
#38:
Jim: I'm not writing "horse hunt." I don't even know what that means.
S5e17 - Lecture Circuit: Part 2
#37:
Dwight: Oh, judgment is nigh, for the Belsnickel ist I!
Jim: Yes, he is finally nigh.
Dwight: I am nigh!
Watch it
S9e9 - Dwight Christmas
#36:
Ben: Didn't everyone from Stanford quit, like immediately?
Michael: No, I fired them, and you're next...so what do you say?
S4e6 - Branch Wars
#35:
Dwight: Who tipped you over, was it Phillip?
S5e27 - Cafe Disco
#34:
Holly: Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up.
Michael: He had no arms or legs. He couldn't see, hear or speak. This is how he led a nation.
Watch it
S7e4 - Sex Ed
#33:
Pam: I'm just coming out to see what you're doing and maybe stop you.
S7e19 - Garage Sale
#32:
Jim: Is that the buzzer from Taboo?
S8e14 - Special Project
#31:
Dwight: Did I mention the 40 reams for the battered women's shelter?
Andy: No! *Extended bear horn*
Watch it
S4e3 - Launch Party
#30:
Rolf: You suckers are going down! They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!
S5e28 - Company Picnic
#29:
Michael: Well, well, well. How the turntables.
Watch it
S5e25 - Broke
#28:
Michael: I am going to steal all of your clients and then I am going to kill them in front of you.
S5e24 - Heavy Competition
#27:
Robert: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?
Jim: Oh god, nature, please.
Robert: When two animals are having sex, one of them is communicating a message to the other, nothing is-- this isn't very helpful. You're gonna wanna hear the sexual metaphor.
Watch it
S8e19 - Get the Girl
#26:
Funniest line:
Erin: Number three: Eat spicy foods.
Michael: Ok, the opposite of that?
Kevin: Stick spicy food up her butt.
Watch it
S6e17 - The Delivery: Part 1
#25:
Dwight: Hey, listen my name is Michael... Scotch. And I just wanted to say that I’ve got David Wallace’s son in the trunk of my car and if he doesn't get on this phone in five second-
Watch it
S5e20 - New Boss
#24:
Dwight: Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.
Ryan: Is that your cousin Mose?
Dwight: Yes.
Watch it
S5e5 - Initiation
#23:
Dwight: Anderson's Three Pillars of Retail. Crucial; so important. Next... Are there any questions?
Nellie: What are the three pillars of retail?
Erin: Convenience.
Dwight: Ingredients.
Erin: Service.
Dwight: Burgers.
Erin: Building loyalty.
Dwight: Killing royalty... truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson's three pillars. He was later diagnosed with dementia.
S8e15 - Tallahassee
#22:
Dwight: Robert! I'm gonna win, haha! I'm the gentleman! Suck it!
S8e18 - Last Day in Florida
#21:
Michael: I declare bankruptcyyyy!
S4e4 - Money
#20:
Dwight: You stop me when I get to the diseased area. *points*
Watch it
S7e24 - Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager
#19:
Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut.
S3e19 - Safety Training
#18:
Michael: What? There is someone left off that list? Who?
Dwight: Who is he saying?
Michael: You're right. I didn't even think of him.
Dwight: No, Michael.
Michael: Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.
Dwight: No. No. Not me.
Michael: Yeah, I could.
Dwight: Not Dwight.
Michael: I'm not saying that's what he said.
Dwight: I know that's what he said.
Michael: What?
Dwight: Tell him not Dwight.
Michael: That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Dwight: Tell him to stop.
Michael: Are you kidding?
Dwight: Quiet, you!
#17:
Erin: This game is called pecker poker. It's the game of cards that gets you haaar....
S8e5 - Spooked
#16:
Michael: I'm just saying that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight: That's ridiculous; of course it wasn't me.
Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight: I would remember.
Jim: Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?
Dwight: That's not how it works.
Jim: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight: Knock it off, okay? I'm interviewing you.
Jim: No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?
Watch it
S2e20 - Drug Testing
#15:
Toby: Do you know her last name yet?
Gabe: Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow, because she's gonna be screaming it tonight.
Toby: She's gonna be screaming her own last name?
S8e6 - Doomsday
#14:
Dwight: Identity theft is not a joke, Jim. Millions of families sugar every year.
Jim: Michael!
Dwight: Oh, that's funny. Michael!
Watch it
S3e20 - Product Recall
#13:
Dwight: Okay everybody, let's take this next hill!
Instructor: Excuse me, I'd appreciate it if you just let me run this.
Dwight: You know what, you had your chance, you're no leader. Up out of your seat, let's blast!
Instructor: Don't listen to him we're approaching a cool down, down a gentle hill.
Dwight: No! The hill's a trap! Let's take the dirt road off to the side.
Instructor: No, guys, we're just cooling down--
Dwight: If they catch us, they will rape us. Go for the cliff. Now 3-2-1, jump! No! You're dead, you're dead, you're dead. Good jump! You're barely alive. OK, now, nice cool down, check your pulse rate.
S6e24 - The Cover-Up
#12:
Erin: I don't know what the technical term is... penial... softiosis?
Watch it
S8e21 - Angry Andy
#11:
Kelly: Well, I hope you're still committed, because I'm pregnant.
Kelly talking head: *Shakes head*
S4e2 - Dunder Mifflin Infinity
#10:
Karen: Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby?
Karen: Why are you singling my line out, like a million years later?
Watch it
S7e17 - Threat Level Midnight
#9:
Michael: That's sort of an oaky afterbirth.
S4e9 - Dinner Party
#7:
Andy: The fire's shooting at us!
S5e14 - Stress Relief: Part 1
#6:
Dwight: So anyway, she says that is the biggest penis I have ever seen and I said I know, that's why I brought you to the penis museum, where tickets are a thousand dollars!
S7e5 - The Sting
#5:
Dwight: Ok. Cindy. Yo! Cindy, Cindy! Hold its neck back, insert the knife beneath the jaw, bring it all the way around. There's gonna be a good amount of blood. But don't let that bother you. Have a bucket there. For the blood, and the innards and the feathers.
S3e10 - A Benihana Christmas
#4:
Erin: What if we all get together and help each other and hire a new guy and then we all kill him, but first we take out, like, a $100,000 life insurance policy? I bet you guys like that idea, don't you?
Erin: I think that's what they're doing to me. I can't prove it, but I wanted to see their faces when I said it. I learned nothing.
Michael: I don't know what the f*** that was.
S7e10 - China
#3:
Andy: I am now chopping off Phyliss' head with a chain saw......rng rng rng
Watch it
S3e11 - Back from Vacation
#2:
Gabe: Shut up about the sun! SHUT UP ABOUT THE SUN!
Watch it
S7e25 - Search Committee: Part 1
#1:
Dwight: BUTTLICKER, OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER!
Watch it
S5e7 - Customer Survey
#100:
Toby: Smile if you love men's prostates
Watch it
Watch it
S9e7 - The Whale
#99:
Andy: I'm so ready to love all of these animals. This one's even bonding with me already.
Vet: Uh, no. Kenny's a therapy dog. He apparently thinks you're in some kind of emotional crisis.
Andy: Stupid dog.
Vet: Uh, no. Kenny's a therapy dog. He apparently thinks you're in some kind of emotional crisis.
Andy: Stupid dog.
S8e22 - Fundraiser
#98:
Dwight: What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a news… thing.
S9e19 - Stairmageddon
#97:
Ryan: I'd like to make a toast. To the troops... all the troops... both sides.
S8e4 - Garden Party
#96:
Creed: Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples, a butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question. Why are you here?
Watch it
S7e14 - The Seminar
Watch it
S7e14 - The Seminar
#95:
Dwight: We'll start our own paper company: The Shrute, Bernard, Lapin-Vance... Stanley Paper Company.
S5e26 - Casual Friday
#94:
S8e9 - Mrs. California
#93:
Pam: Wait, come on. I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.
Andy: Oh really, from what? Two to four?
Pam: Yup.
S6e12 - Scott's Tots
#92:
Darryl: Whoa, that person has really gotten him or herself into a predicament.
Watch it
S9e3 - Andy's Ancestry
Watch it
S9e3 - Andy's Ancestry
#91:
Dwight: What's the argument here? NBA/WNBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all.
S7e23 - The Inner Circle
#90:
Kevin: I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep making planes until one of them flies. Like Wilbur and Orville Redenbacher.
S9e20 - Paper Airplane
#89:
Erin: Hey Dwight, you have some guests. I think they're from the forest where we harvest our paper.
S9e18 - Promos
#88:
Deangelo: I want to... I want-... I feel truly blessed, to be working with all of you. You know, before this all started, uh, funny story, I was in the bathroom vomiting and vomiting.
Watch it
Watch it
#87:
Darryl: What flavor was that?
Hide: Coconut penis.
Darryl: The coconut's pretty subtle.
S8e24 - Free Family Portrait Studio
#86:
Erin: For Channel 11 News..........................................I'm Erin Hannan
S9e2 - Roy's Wedding
#85:
Kelly: I would just like to say something off of what Darryl said about the level playing field. That is actually a zoning issue.
S7e1 - Nepotism
#84:
Michael: Ah, your emminance
S6e11 - Shareholder Meeting
#83:
Dwight and Andy: *playing music*
#82:
Andy: Brought you guys some coffees. Stanley, I know you have adult onset diabetes, so I put Splenda in yours.
S5e16 - Lecture Circuit: Part 1
S5e16 - Lecture Circuit: Part 1
#81:
Kevin: Didn't you two used to do it?
Gabe: We absolutely did. Thank you for remembering that.
S9e16 - Moving On
#80:
Michael: How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?
S6e1 - Gossip
#79:
Dwight: Hello, my name is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this, you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah, to be in your shoes. What's next? You're probably wondering. Don't be scared of your night in heaven...
S6e4 - Niagara: Part 1
#78:
Jim: You can't yell "I need this; I need this" as you pin down an employee on your lap.
S6e13 - Secret Santa
S6e13 - Secret Santa
#77:
Dwight: David, listen to me carefully. I'm gonna need you to let the mailman go, okay?
David: Dwight?
Dwight: Walk out of the house with your hands on top of your head; everything is going to be fine. Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands while you're away in prison.
Watch it
Watch it
S9e6 - The Boat
#76:
Trevor: Is it safe to talk?
Dwight: Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past 9 years, but I don't see them so I think we're good.
S9e8 - The Target
#75:
Erin: I still like you, but you were gone a really long time. And, you didn't really email me all that much. You retweeted me, a lot to be fair. But I don't love you.
S9e15 - Couples Discount
#74:
Michael: You look, how you say, radiant tonight. And it is, how you say, a beautiful night.
S5e8 - Business Trip
#73:
Jim: What kind of car does she drive?
Michael: A green Camry.
Jim: $#!&
Michael: A green Camry.
Jim: $#!&
S6e7 - The Lover
#72:
Dwight: And it was a terrible war. So many died. Far too many died. But if Frodo hadn't destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died.
S5e13 - Prince Family Paper
#71:
Michael: Ok everybody, listen up. I have some bad news. Due to circumstances beyond my control--
Dwight: Impulsivity and inattention to detail.
Watch it
Watch it
S6e15 - Sabre
#70:
Erin: Lower... lower...
Andy: Are you sure?
Andy: Are you sure?
S6e20 - New Leads
#69:
Dwight: In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas.
Watch it
S7e12 - Classy Christmas: Part 2
Watch it
S7e12 - Classy Christmas: Part 2
#68:
Pam: Hey, Hank?
Hank: Yes, ma'am.
Pam: I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician?
Hank: Yes, ma'am. I got my eyes open.
Jim: Oh, turns out he actually made it up there.
Hank: What? That ain't right.
Pam: Yeah, he came and went.
Hank: Wait a minute! You said it was a magician, right? You don't think he could have used... it couldn't have been ma...
S8e20 - Welcome Party
Hank: Yes, ma'am.
Pam: I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician?
Hank: Yes, ma'am. I got my eyes open.
Jim: Oh, turns out he actually made it up there.
Hank: What? That ain't right.
Pam: Yeah, he came and went.
Hank: Wait a minute! You said it was a magician, right? You don't think he could have used... it couldn't have been ma...
S8e20 - Welcome Party
#67:
Andy: Did you call all of my clients at the mall and cancel all my business while using the "F" word?
S7e2 - Counseling
#66:
Andy: Whoa, traffic jam!
Erin: Uh-oh, traffic jam on Route 3.
Andy: Beep beep!
Erin: Beep! Twenty people dead in a pileup!
Watch it
Erin: Uh-oh, traffic jam on Route 3.
Andy: Beep beep!
Erin: Beep! Twenty people dead in a pileup!
Watch it
S6e16 - Manager and Salesman
#65:
Dwight: After it bit you, did it run away fearful, or did it walk away smug, self-assured?
Jim: So smug. Like he thought it was funny, like this.
Jim: So smug. Like he thought it was funny, like this.
Dwight: That's a bedbug; everything's a joke.
Watch it
Watch it
S8e16 - After Hours
#64:
#63:
Dwight: Uh-Oh. Okay, okay, nobody panic. Listen Up, listen up. Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We've got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.
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S7e9 - WUPHF.com
Watch it
S7e9 - WUPHF.com
#62:
Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.
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Pam: Why would you raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.
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S1e3 - Health Care
#61:
Michael: Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there.
S2e16 - Valentine's Day
#60:
Karen: Rachel, your house is beautiful.
Rachel: Thank you.
Dwight: What's the square footage?
David: About 5,000.
Dwight: Does that include the garage?
Michael: Dwight...
Jim: Wow.
Michael: That's not appropriate.
David: I don't know.
Dwight: It's a common question.
Michael: David, how much did this house cost?
S3e17 - Cocktails
Rachel: Thank you.
Dwight: What's the square footage?
David: About 5,000.
Dwight: Does that include the garage?
Michael: Dwight...
Jim: Wow.
Michael: That's not appropriate.
David: I don't know.
Dwight: It's a common question.
Michael: David, how much did this house cost?
S3e17 - Cocktails
#59:
Dwight: When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is "Something Weird is Going On". Colon: What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott. With Dwight Schrute.
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Watch it
S3e7 - Branch Closing
#58:
Dwight: Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. The safety is... on.
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S4e7 - Survivor Man
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S4e7 - Survivor Man
#57:
Robert: Describe your day so far.
Erin: Well, I woke up, and--
Robert: Erin, when you recount your day, never say you woke up. That's a waste of your time. That's how every day has begun for everyone since the dawn of man.
Erin: Very smart. Very smart. ...Suddenly, I was awake.
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S8e1 - The List
Erin: Well, I woke up, and--
Robert: Erin, when you recount your day, never say you woke up. That's a waste of your time. That's how every day has begun for everyone since the dawn of man.
Erin: Very smart. Very smart. ...Suddenly, I was awake.
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S8e1 - The List
#56:
Erin: You need to drop it, okay? They hate it. I like it a lot, but they hate it, so DROP IT!
S8e3 - Lotto
S8e3 - Lotto
#55:
Dwight: Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, because I kicked in all the stalls.
S2e19 - Michael's Birthday
S2e19 - Michael's Birthday
#54:
Michael: Well, you know what? I didn't want to hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can't stop picturing it. He leaves work; he's on his way home. WHAM! His cappa is de-tated from his head.
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S3e4 - Grief Counseling
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S3e4 - Grief Counseling
#53:
Andy: I'm a little concerned about some of these directions to Schrute farms.
Dwight: Yeah, do tell.
Andy: I mean, like, "156 paces from the light red mailbox, make a left... "Walk until you hear the beehive."
S5e10 - The Surplus
Dwight: Yeah, do tell.
Andy: I mean, like, "156 paces from the light red mailbox, make a left... "Walk until you hear the beehive."
S5e10 - The Surplus
#52:
S7e15 - The Search
#51:
Harry: Who the hell are Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute?
Erin: Jim, Dwight, what are your last names?
S8e23 - Turf War
Erin: Jim, Dwight, what are your last names?
S8e23 - Turf War
#50:
Angela: D, it’s gonna be perfect. The only people that need to be there are you and me.
Dwight: Oh, and the old man to feed us the cheese that he’s been fermenting since the day of my birth. You keep forgetting about him.
Angela: I don’t…I don’t know why.
S9e23 - Finale
#49:
Jim: Okay, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you.
Dwight: That is correct, unless there happen to be measles present.
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Dwight: That is correct, unless there happen to be measles present.
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S6e10 - Murder
#48:
S8e13 - Jury Duty
#47:
Pam: Would any of you be saying any of this if the cupcakes were from Supermart?
Angela: Do they even have a bakery anymore?
Kevin: They do - it's awful. And it's getting worse every day.
S9e17 - The Farm
#46:
Dwight: "R" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not "mukduk."
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S6e6 - Mafia
Watch it
S6e6 - Mafia
#45:
Pam: I have terrible news. Someone defaced my mural. They painted all over it.
Erin: I thought that's what you were doing.
Pam: Yeah, but this is different.
Erin: Oh. They used worse paint than your paint?
Pam: I don't think so, but they put paint where I didn't want paint. So...
Erin: I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing.
Pam: Different-colored paint. I wanted different-colored paint in the spots where they put their paint. So, it just is... okay, the point is, these warehouse guys are vandals. And, they need to be stopped.
S9e14 - Vanladism
#44:
Dwight: It's either an insense dispencer or a ceremonial sarcophagus.
S5e21 - Two Weeks
#43:
Dwight: How would I describe myself? Three words. Hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer. Merciless, insatiable.
S3e13 - The Return
#42:
Michael: No. No. Nooooooooooo.
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Watch it
S5e9 - Frame Toby
#41:
Michael: I tried hopping, Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall, and now my elbow has a protruberance.
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S2e12 - The Injury
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S2e12 - The Injury
#40:
Dwight: No tats. No, no tats, of course I want-
Jim: Stop. That's disgusting.
S3e14 - Ben Franklin
#39:
Dwight: Fa la la la la la la ka-ching.
S5e11 - Moroccan Christmas
#38:
Jim: I'm not writing "horse hunt." I don't even know what that means.
S5e17 - Lecture Circuit: Part 2
#37:
Dwight: Oh, judgment is nigh, for the Belsnickel ist I!
Jim: Yes, he is finally nigh.
Dwight: I am nigh!
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S9e9 - Dwight Christmas
Jim: Yes, he is finally nigh.
Dwight: I am nigh!
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S9e9 - Dwight Christmas
#36:
Ben: Didn't everyone from Stanford quit, like immediately?
Michael: No, I fired them, and you're next...so what do you say?
S4e6 - Branch Wars
#35:
Dwight: Who tipped you over, was it Phillip?
S5e27 - Cafe Disco
#34:
Holly: Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up.
Michael: He had no arms or legs. He couldn't see, hear or speak. This is how he led a nation.
Watch it
Watch it
S7e4 - Sex Ed
#33:
Pam: I'm just coming out to see what you're doing and maybe stop you.
S7e19 - Garage Sale
#32:
Jim: Is that the buzzer from Taboo?
S8e14 - Special Project
#31:
Dwight: Did I mention the 40 reams for the battered women's shelter?
Andy: No! *Extended bear horn*Watch it
S4e3 - Launch Party
#30:
Rolf: You suckers are going down! They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!
S5e28 - Company Picnic#29:
Michael: Well, well, well. How the turntables.
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Watch it
S5e25 - Broke
#28:
Michael: I am going to steal all of your clients and then I am going to kill them in front of you.
S5e24 - Heavy Competition
#27:
Robert: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?
Jim: Oh god, nature, please.
Robert: When two animals are having sex, one of them is communicating a message to the other, nothing is-- this isn't very helpful. You're gonna wanna hear the sexual metaphor.
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Watch it
S8e19 - Get the Girl
#26:
Funniest line:
Erin: Number three: Eat spicy foods.
Michael: Ok, the opposite of that?
Kevin: Stick spicy food up her butt.
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S6e17 - The Delivery: Part 1
#25:Dwight: Hey, listen my name is Michael... Scotch. And I just wanted to say that I’ve got David Wallace’s son in the trunk of my car and if he doesn't get on this phone in five second-
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S5e20 - New Boss
#24:Dwight: Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.
Ryan: Is that your cousin Mose?
Dwight: Yes.
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S5e5 - Initiation
#23:
Dwight: Anderson's Three Pillars of Retail. Crucial; so important. Next... Are there any questions?
Nellie: What are the three pillars of retail?
Erin: Convenience.
Dwight: Ingredients.
Erin: Service.
Dwight: Burgers.
Erin: Building loyalty.
Dwight: Killing royalty... truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson's three pillars. He was later diagnosed with dementia.
S8e15 - Tallahassee
Nellie: What are the three pillars of retail?
Erin: Convenience.
Dwight: Ingredients.
Erin: Service.
Dwight: Burgers.
Erin: Building loyalty.
Dwight: Killing royalty... truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson's three pillars. He was later diagnosed with dementia.
S8e15 - Tallahassee
#22:Dwight: Robert! I'm gonna win, haha! I'm the gentleman! Suck it!
S8e18 - Last Day in Florida
#21:
Michael: I declare bankruptcyyyy!
S4e4 - Money
#20:
Dwight: You stop me when I get to the diseased area. *points*
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S7e24 - Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager
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S7e24 - Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager
#19:
Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut.
S3e19 - Safety Training
#18:
Michael: What? There is someone left off that list? Who?
Dwight: Who is he saying?
Michael: You're right. I didn't even think of him.
Dwight: No, Michael.
Michael: Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.
Dwight: No. No. Not me.
Michael: Yeah, I could.
Dwight: Not Dwight.
Michael: I'm not saying that's what he said.
Dwight: I know that's what he said.
Michael: What?
Dwight: Tell him not Dwight.
Michael: That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Dwight: Tell him to stop.
Michael: Are you kidding?
Dwight: Quiet, you!
#17:
Erin: This game is called pecker poker. It's the game of cards that gets you haaar....
S8e5 - Spooked
#16:
Michael: I'm just saying that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight: That's ridiculous; of course it wasn't me.
Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight: I would remember.
Jim: Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?
Dwight: That's not how it works.
Jim: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight: Knock it off, okay? I'm interviewing you.
Jim: No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?
Watch it
S2e20 - Drug Testing
S2e20 - Drug Testing
#15:
Toby: Do you know her last name yet?
Gabe: Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow, because she's gonna be screaming it tonight.
Gabe: Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow, because she's gonna be screaming it tonight.
Toby: She's gonna be screaming her own last name?
S8e6 - Doomsday
#14:
Dwight: Identity theft is not a joke, Jim. Millions of families sugar every year.
Jim: Michael!
Dwight: Oh, that's funny. Michael!
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S3e20 - Product Recall
#13:
Dwight: Okay everybody, let's take this next hill!
Instructor: Excuse me, I'd appreciate it if you just let me run this.
Dwight: You know what, you had your chance, you're no leader. Up out of your seat, let's blast!
Instructor: Don't listen to him we're approaching a cool down, down a gentle hill.
Dwight: No! The hill's a trap! Let's take the dirt road off to the side.
Instructor: No, guys, we're just cooling down--
Instructor: Excuse me, I'd appreciate it if you just let me run this.
Dwight: You know what, you had your chance, you're no leader. Up out of your seat, let's blast!
Instructor: Don't listen to him we're approaching a cool down, down a gentle hill.
Dwight: No! The hill's a trap! Let's take the dirt road off to the side.
Instructor: No, guys, we're just cooling down--
Dwight: If they catch us, they will rape us. Go for the cliff. Now 3-2-1, jump! No! You're dead, you're dead, you're dead. Good jump! You're barely alive. OK, now, nice cool down, check your pulse rate.
S6e24 - The Cover-Up
#12:
Erin: I don't know what the technical term is... penial... softiosis?
Watch it
S8e21 - Angry Andy
#11:
Kelly: Well, I hope you're still committed, because I'm pregnant.
Kelly talking head: *Shakes head*
S4e2 - Dunder Mifflin Infinity
#10:
Karen: Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby?
Karen: Why are you singling my line out, like a million years later?Watch it
S7e17 - Threat Level Midnight
#9:
Michael: That's sort of an oaky afterbirth.
S4e9 - Dinner Party
#7:
Andy: The fire's shooting at us!
S5e14 - Stress Relief: Part 1
#6:
Dwight: So anyway, she says that is the biggest penis I have ever seen and I said I know, that's why I brought you to the penis museum, where tickets are a thousand dollars!
S7e5 - The Sting
#5:
Dwight: Ok. Cindy. Yo! Cindy, Cindy! Hold its neck back, insert the knife beneath the jaw, bring it all the way around. There's gonna be a good amount of blood. But don't let that bother you. Have a bucket there. For the blood, and the innards and the feathers.
S3e10 - A Benihana Christmas
#4:
Erin: What if we all get together and help each other and hire a new guy and then we all kill him, but first we take out, like, a $100,000 life insurance policy? I bet you guys like that idea, don't you?
Erin: I think that's what they're doing to me. I can't prove it, but I wanted to see their faces when I said it. I learned nothing.
Michael: I don't know what the f*** that was.
S7e10 - China
#3:Andy: I am now chopping off Phyliss' head with a chain saw......rng rng rng
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S3e11 - Back from Vacation
#2:
Gabe: Shut up about the sun! SHUT UP ABOUT THE SUN!
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S7e25 - Search Committee: Part 1Watch it
#1:Dwight: BUTTLICKER, OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER!
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S5e7 - Customer Survey
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